I lie awake and watch you sleeping
by yeahishipdrarry
Summary: Blaise loves Draco, but Draco breaks his heart. Can they ever become something or will Lucius stand in the way? SLASH.


Blaise Zabini watched as the boy slept and wished he was next to him right then. Blaise Zabini had been in love with Draco Malfoy for quite a few years now but had realized it many years later. His father had already told him where all the Slytherins sat and of course there was no question of an old pureblood family like his producing a son that didn't get into Slytherin.

Purebloods weren't supposed to be caring and compassionate and on the outside Draco wasn't. But on the inside Draco cared a lot for Blaise and looked after him like he was a younger brother. Blaise had a lot of hard times in his past, like when both his parents were killed, but Draco had been there for him through all of them. They had this connection, a deep strong bond that no one could break, particularly not with Draco being part of it. The night that Blaise's Mum had been found Draco had spent with Blaise letting his cry against his chest. Blaise knew that Draco loved him like a brother but there was the problem; his love for Draco was so much more than that.

Blaise had never been strong really meaning he was an easy target for people to pick on. Theodore Nott for example when flanked by Crabbe and Goyle would beat him every time he was away from Draco. Theodore Nott was jealous of their bond and would have loved to have broken it but never dared. Crabbe and Goyle just liked being able to punch someone knowing they wouldn't get in trouble for it. Afterwards when Blaise went back immediately Draco would know who had done it and he would make Nott pay but it was never enough to stop him completely.

Once he had "sectumsempra" used on him and as he lay bleeding on the floor Draco healed him and then held him again as he cried. Blaise had long dark hair that came almost to his shoulders. His fringe hung over his eyes and his eyes themselves were a beautiful blue and huge. One of Theodore's favourite taunts was, "China Doll."

As Blaise lay in his bed at night he would stare at Draco's body as he lay on top of the covers in nothing but his black boxers. That wasn't the only chance he got as a lot of the time Draco would stand around the common in nothing more than his boxers whilst girls fawned over him. When Draco came out of the shower he would often wear just a towel which he would quickly discard. That view of Draco like that drove Blaise into a frenzy and it was all he could do not to grab him there and have his way with him.

But Draco was definitely not into guys in fact he had a different girl in his room every night of the week. Blaise had made out with a lot of girls and had even gone further with some of them but never had made love to one of them. Because he had never and would never be in love with one of them, he was in love with Draco. It was hard for him to sleep at night because the love hurt him so and he didn't know what to do. He hardly ever ate any more. He was wrapped more and more in Draco's spell and found himself doing whatever Draco wanted him to.

That day they were both sitting down by the lake leaning against a huge boulder out of sight for anyone who was looking down from the castle. Draco was smoking a long thin cigarette between his two slender fingers making him look cool. Hell, actually Draco made smoking look cool, the way he held the cigarette and then blew rings of smoke in the air. Few knew that Draco smoked, as he was Head Boy and had a reputation to uphold, but Blaise did and he loved it. He had wanted to start smoking when he was fifteen and Draco had started but he hadn't; Draco wouldn't let him.

"Come on Blaise, I don't want you slowly killing yourself from inhalation do I? What kind of best friend would I be if I allowed that?"

As Blaise sat there twiddling his thumbs literally Draco watched him, concern etched all over his beautiful face. "Blaise what's going on with you at the moment man because you're acting all distant and weird. I noticed that you haven't been eating at mealtimes and sometimes I wake up in the night I could swear you're still awake."

"Yeah, I dunno I guess sometimes I'm not hungry and I can't sleep either."

"Blaise, there isn't something really wrong is there because I don't want to sound all gay or something," - Blaise flinched at the word gay, - "But I am really worried about you. Come on, we're like brothers Blaise you can tell me anything in the world and I'll still be your friend."

Blaise felt a tear run down his cheek to his horror betraying the emotions that were all built up inside him. Draco slung his arm round his friend and pulled him closer into a long hug which Blaise returned. His hands were pressed awkwardly against Draco's chest so that he could feel every one of those muscles. "That's why I can't tell you Draco because if I do you will never be my friend ever again, I know it."

"Blaise, you're being stupid. I will always be your friend no matter what happens. Come on you can tell me..."

Blaise pushed himself away from Draco slightly so he was able to look into Draco's steely grey orbs. He tried to communicate everything without speaking but it came as no surprise to him when Draco just stared back at him. Then without warning Draco lowered his head slightly and kissed Blaise. For a second Blaise sat there stunned before he tried to deepen the kiss when Draco pulled away. "God Blaise, I'm sorry, I..."

Draco stood up suddenly chucking his cigarette into the lake before hurrying up the castle. Blaise couldn't move for a minute until he suddenly realized and his heart leapt with joy. He ran on up to the castle and began to look for Draco until he ran into Pansy in a rather compromising position with a Ravenclaw. "Oh, hey, Pansy!" he said with a smile on his face. She turned to him unabashed that her skirt was pulled up round her waist and grinning back said, "Hey Blaisey! What's up?"

Pansy had been like a sister to Blaise since the moment they had met half way through first year. They had known each other before as they were in the same house and the same year but this was their first proper introduction. Malfoy had been going out with her at the time, at the tender age of eleven, and she bounded up to Blaise and had said, "It's brilliant to meet you!" Ever since Pansy had been full of happiness and bounded around like she was the happiest person on earth. But no one ever realized she had a side to her that was over sensitive and reacted to any harsh comment.

In first year when Pansy had said something that Granger didn't want to hear Potter had stepped up and called Pansy a pug faced bitch. Pansy hadn't cried right there, or even later in front of her friends, or even later still in front of Draco. She had waited until they were alone together and burst into noisy sobs that racked her body. That was her weak point and she was very sensitive about her looks.

"Hey Panse, have you seen Draco?"

"Let's see," she said thoughtfully, "Yes, I did actually only a few minutes ago. He was running along near the Room of Requirement and seemed to want to be alone. Is he alright?"

Blaise hated lying to her and so just said, "I'll have to tell you some other time, I need to talk to him first, OK?"

Pansy was also not a pushy person and so trusted when you said that you would tell her later. She grinned and then pushed him gently out of the broom cupboard and shut the door with a final wink at him. Blaise ran up the stairs towards the room of requirement before walking past the wall three times thinking, "I need to see Draco Malfoy!"

Eventually a door appeared, an old-fashioned wooden one with a snake handle, and Blaise rushed inside. Draco was lying on the bed crying harder than Blaise had ever seen anyone cry before. All those years at Hogwarts and Draco had been his protector never once showing any signs of weakness himself. Now Blaise knew his friend needed him so he hurried over to the bed and sat down before rubbing his friends back gently.

"Blaise?" Draco choked out, "I'm so sorry."

"No, don't be sorry."

"I know that you are all into girls and everything but I don't know why I like men not women. At first I thought it was just because you and I are best friends but then I knew it was something more. Every time I walked into the dormitory in just a towel or paraded around in boxers I hoped you were looking at me. Then when I saw your pain down by the lake I just wanted to kiss away your pain and so that's what I tried to do. I'm sorry Blaise."

This didn't really merit the response that Draco had been expecting. He had been expecting for Blaise to call him queer or at least be embarrassed and leave quickly. But Blaise walked slowly forwards and rested both his hands on Draco's hips. Then he leant forwards and in one fluid motion he was kissing him with a tender passion. He pulled away slightly searching Draco's face for an idea whether what he was doing was right or wrong.

"Listen carefully to me Blaise. I like you a lot, I lust after you loads and I love you more than I would care to admit to. But this wouldn't work. We both have reputations and they mustn't be ruined or my Dad will flip. He expects an heir. I'm sorry Blaise, I love you, but friendship is better for both of us. Is that OK with you?"

Blaise wanted to scream that of course it wasn't OK but he couldn't find the words and just nodded. Then his mouth returned and slowly he said, "If that's what you want Drake."

"Of course it's not what I fucking want, Blaise, I want you so badly that I can hardly bear it. But this is one of the few things in life that I must go without. Please don't be angry."

Blaise saw the tears welling up in Drake's eyes and as much as he was furious he didn't want to see Draco crying again. He pulled Draco into a manly hug, clapping him hard on the back, and then grinned through the pain. "I'll get over it anyway Draco, it was just some stupid crush."

Draco grinned at his best friend never for a second imagining the boy was lying to him. They never lied to each other before then. The two boys headed down to dinner and began to eat the piles of food laid out in the middle of the table. Blaise could hardly bear to look up but when he did and saw Draco looking at him he forced a smile onto his face. Suddenly he'd had enough and said, "Drake can I borrow a cigarette?"

"Why?" he asked immediately wary. "You know that I don't want you to start smoking, Blaise."

"What are you my mother? I want it so that I can check something with a pretty quick spell. Please, Drake?"

Theodore Nott gave them both funny looks as Draco took forever to hand Blaise a cigarette. Blaise took it between his fingers and then got up to leave muttering something about having homework to do. Then he walked down to the lake and sat with the cigarette between his fingers. Then he cast a spell he'd learnt from Flitwick that would duplicate things. Soon he had over 100 cigarettes sitting on the floor waiting for him to try them all. With a flick of his wand the first one was lit and he gingerly put it to his mouth and took a tentative puff.

It felt like his body was exploding! He coughed and was almost sick as the acid rose up in his throat and he had to swallow to keep it down. Then he took a second puff and it all started over again but not quite as intensely as before. By the time he was almost finished with the cigarette he had managed to stop feeling sick each time although he was still coughing.

"Want another one?" asked a voice and he spun round to find Hermione Granger offering him a cigarette from her packet. He took it with a nod of thanks and then lit up at the same time as she did. They puffed together in silence, whilst Blaise got more and more used to not just breathing in air.

"You smoke much?" she asked him.

"That one you saw me having was my first one ever actually," he admitted with a small smile at her.

"Really? You looked like you already knew how to hold the cigarette properly and everything. The way you hold it between your fingers so elegantly looked pretty professional."

"I've seen Draco light up loads. He never let me light up myself; didn't want me damaging my health or so he said." Blaise's voice turned notably bitter at the mention of his name and he turned away from her slightly. Then he took another puff as she continued speaking to him.

"How come you actually listened to him?" she asked curiously. "I mean I know you're best friends with him and all but he can't tell you what you can and can't do. As a best friend he can give you advice but if he's not following it himself then it is hypocritical and not within his right."

"I know but sometimes you just do what people say you know?"

"Oh yes," she said, sounding quite bitter herself now, "I know all about doing things just to please other people Blaise. So are you out here now because you and Draco have had a little row?"

"He's being a dick as usual. Oh, look, here he comes now!" he said as they both watched an angry looking Draco stride down the path towards them with a dark scowl on his handsome face. He reached them both but instead of saying something mean to Hermione like she had expected he looked straight at Blaise.

"I want a word with you in private right now," he demanded.

"Whatever pathetic unimportant thing you may have to say to me, Draco, you can say in front of Hermione."

Draco looked furious that Blaise had answered back to him but there was nothing he could do about it. "Well first of all I thought I told you back when we were fourteen that you weren't allowed to smoke and I would kill you if you even tried it."

"What are you my mother?" Blaise asked making Hermione chuckle slightly. She was silenced by a glare from Draco who then continued.

"I'm your best friend for fuck's sake so you have to listen to what I say," he replied his arrogance obvious to them all.

"You were my best friend before you deciding breaking my heart was the only way to save yourself. Well I'm through with you and the pretending that comes with you, Draco Malfoy."

He threw his butt on the ground and stomped on it before walking back up to that castle. Draco remained down by the lake standing next to Hermione Granger for a while without speaking. Then he took out a cigarette and lit it and they puffed almost companionably until Hermione decided to comment.

"Do you know how bad you've hurt him?"

"I know. But now even if I try to apologize he won't listen to me."

"Then maybe you need to do more than just apologize this time round, Malfoy. See you around," she said before doing the same thing Blaise had done. Draco looked at his watch and saw it was time for supper and if he was going to do it, it was now or never. Running into the hall he saw a depressed Blaise sitting at the Slytherin table and so walked right up to it and clambered on top. Everyone in the hall was looking at him including the teachers and he cleared his throat before saying, "Sonorus!"

"Everyone I want you to listen to me now and believe what I say. I am in love with Blaise Zabini because I am gay. Thank you!" He jumped down and looked over to Blaise who was glaring at him with his angry dark eyes. This was a bit too much for Draco who burst into loud tears before running out of the room.

Someone entered the girls' bathroom only minutes after Draco, who was sitting on the floor blowing his nose and dabbing at his eyes. He had been sure no one would find him here as Moaning Myrtle seemed to scare off most people. It was Hermione.

"Come to laugh have you?" he asked her bitterly.

She sat down next to him and put her arm around him companionably before saying, "That was brave and maybe a little stupid."

He closed his eyes and groaned, "Oh, God, I just had a little break down in front of the entire school after declaring I was gay and in love with my best friend. Everyone is going to think I'm mental for weeks!"

"Well I think the majority of people already did," she said as a weak attempt to lighten the mood slightly. Draco did chuckle lightly and then he turned to her, eyes still red and tears tracks on his face. "What do I do now?"

"You wait and see how Blaise feels about this and then you act from there. Not many people know, and I'm trusting you to keep this a secret but the exact same thing happened between Dean and Seamus less than a month ago. On a slightly less public scale however."

Hermione then smiled at him once more before removing her arm from his shoulders and walking out of the bathroom smiling. He threw his head down onto his knees again and let out the final tears so they wouldn't creep out later. He staggered up and walked the mirror to see his face looking completely trashed from all the crying. Then the door opened – again! – and in walked Harry Potter.

"Hey, Draco, I was just speaking to Hermione and I wanted to come in here to check you're OK?" This had just got way too surreal for Draco now, Potter being nice to him for seemingly no reason?

"I'll be alright, thanks Harry," he replied.

"She told me that I should come and get you to try and talk to me about something. But I don't know what it is because she said she thought it would be better if you told me in person. I can probably guess though because there are sure as hell not all that many problems she'd ask me to help you with."

"I'm gay Harry," Draco said sadly waiting for another bad reaction.

"So am I," Harry said cheerfully taking Draco completely by surprise. "So have you found someone you love but who is also as straight as a metre ruler?"

"I found someone who's gay and who loves me with all their little heart. But I think I may have just broken it because I told him we would never work as I was afraid. My father expects and heir and in the general pureblood community it is not deemed acceptable to be gay. Now I don't know what to do."

"Blaise Zabini, right? I wasn't in the hall right now – Hermione told me – but it's been pretty clear to everyone that he's been pining over you for ages. I don't know why you did what you did but now you need to prove to him that you love him more than anything. If he loves you as much as I reckon he does then you needn't worry as he'll come around soon."

"I think you're right Harry as much as it pains me to say that. I shouldn't have gone public with my love for him when he probably wasn't ready for me to say that. Thanks for the advice."

"No problem and I really will listen if you ever want advice or just to talk about anything ever. See you around Draco," Harry said with a smile and then walked out of the bathroom.

Draco took one last deep breath and walked out of the toilets and headed down to the common room. Everyone went silent when he walked in but he just ignored them and walked straight up to his Dormitory. Inside the rest of his friends sat playing various games or just chatting. The girls left really quickly saying something about needing to sleep, all the while Blaise kept his eyes locked on Draco. Then Theodore stood up and dragged the thick pair that were Crabbe and Goyle off with him leaving them alone.

"I'm sorry Blaise," Draco said quietly.

"Out of interest how likely did you think it was that just saying sorry would work? Or indeed saying you were gay and in love with me in the Great Hall in front of everyone?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry Blaise," Draco repeated sadly.

"You broke my heart Draco when you told me it could never happen between us. I would love to be able to run into your arms now you've changed your mind, like my heart tells me to, but my brain doesn't want the hurt again. For once I am not going to be stupidly over-emotional and stick with what I know makes sense."

"Please Blaise I am sorry but I was under a lot of pressure from my father-"

"Shut up for once Draco. I know what your father is like, having spent much time with him when staying with you. I know he pressures you to act certain ways but that doesn't mean you had to do as he said. You've let me down."

Blaise left Draco then in the now darkening bathroom with only Moaning Myrtle for company. By now Draco was too numb to cry at all and just slumped on the floor without saying a word. He was sitting by the sink when at the bottom of one of them he found what looked like an old drinking glass that still had remnants of what looked like Polyjuice Potion in it. He took a piece of the glass that lay next to it and slowly ran it under the tap to wash it clean.

Then he stretched out his left arm to see the Dark Mark still faintly imprinted on it. He lifted the piece of glass and jabbed it into his arm, overbearing pain at once filling him. He kept on going, pushing it deeper and deeper until he knew he had lost too much blood to be healthy. So with a wave of his wand he healed the cuts, leaving them as just bright pink scars on his pale skin. In a daze Draco walked back to the Slytherin House Base with the slither of glass tucked in his robe pocket.

He ignored anyone he saw as he walked through the common room and didn't look at any of the others in his dormitory. Draco lay down in his bed and pulled the curtains before staring up at the ceiling with his eyes wide open. He was not tired in the slightest and knew he would not be getting much, if any, sleep that night. After a while the voices outside his bed disappeared and he knew it must be the early hours of the morning if they had all gone to sleep. The next morning when he heard other alarms went off he got straight out of bed and walked into the shower room.

The others all joined him – clearly they weren't afraid he would look at them in the shower or anything – but no one spoke to him. Draco didn't bother with breakfast and instead just went downstairs and outside to have a cigarette. Hermione was sitting down by the water with her own but he ignored her when she tried to speak to him. Eventually she left too leaving him alone with his melancholy thoughts that ran through his brain.

In class he sat at the back on his own as Blaise was sitting with Theodore which surprised him greatly. But he was too bothered with his own negative thoughts that he barely even noticed it really. When Snape asked him something Draco had no idea what the question was let alone the answer. "Mr Malfoy I'll be seeing you at the end of the lesson for a little chat, OK?"

Draco didn't answer Snape he just kept looking into space which made everyone turn to look at him surprised. At the end of the lesson he was the first to leave the classroom before Snape could call him back. Draco wandered from corridor to corridor without speaking to anyone or knowing where he was truly going. At each lesson he saw Blaise but he never spoke to him or any of his other usual friends.

Lunch came and he spent it in the library without bothering to get anything to eat. His stomach rumbled and a slight pain was in his chest but he pushed it down and let his negative thoughts encompass him instead. When Draco was finally done with his studying he left the library on his own to get to his next lesson on time. He arrived way too early and so he slumped down on the floor waiting for everyone else to arrive. The first people to turn up were the only two Gryffindors in his Arithmancy class; Hermione and Harry.

"You look like hell, Draco," Hermione said sitting down next to him. Harry sat opposite both of them and said, "Draco have you been sleeping and eating OK?"

He barely even heard them his mind was so zoned out and thinking in such an odd way. Hermione shook his shoulders gently as people started coming round the corner but Draco just couldn't summon up a response. When they were finally led into their classroom by Professor Vector ten minutes later Draco slipped into a seat at the back. He had expected for Blaise to sit somewhere else and to be on his own for this lesson. Blaise did sit somewhere else with some Ravenclaw boy but to his surprise Hermione and Harry sat either side of him.

The lesson started and they were set some exercises to do from the textbook whilst their teacher went off to a meeting. At once Harry turned to Draco and said, "Draco are you alright?"

Again Draco just couldn't summon up the words. Hermione tried this time, "Draco we didn't see you at breakfast or lunch and we are just worried that you are not taking care of yourself."

But still he wouldn't talk to them even though they tried hard to involve him in their conversations. At the end of the lesson Draco walked off whilst they were still speaking with Professor Vector and out to the lake as he had a free for that period. As he sat on the stone by the water he took out a packet of cigarettes and lit one inhaling each breath deeply. Other people were in the grounds as well but he ignored them as the smoke filled his lungs. Then Draco felt a crazy idea rush through his tired brain and jumped to his feet at once.

Slowly he took off his shoes and socks, then his robes until he was standing in his trousers and shirt with his tie still loosely slung round his neck. Slowly he walked into the water feeling the water lap around his feet then ankles until he was knee deep. He heard someone call to him from a fair distance away but he ignored them and just kept on walking. Their shouts got louder as they came closer but by this point his chin was touching the lakes surface. One more step and he was up to his ears meaning he could no longer hear them just the muffled noises from below the water.

Draco didn't try to swim as the water washed over him engulfing him completely dragging him down deeper. It was quite peaceful, dying, he reflected as he floated underneath the water, sort of like being numb. This all ended when two hands grabbed him by the arms and pulled him upwards again. Draco just spluttered once and then burst into noisy sobs as the person swam him closer to shore.

He was lain down on the cold grass as most of his year watched them in horror. He had identified his saviour to be Harry but he couldn't stop crying like a baby as he lay on the floor. Hermione was crying next to him when Harry managed to pull him off the ground again and start carrying him up to the castle. He sank against Harry's chest as he was cradled like a baby and never wanted to be left alone ever again.

Waking up was horrible as before he'd been numbed from the pain, whereas now he could feel it. He knew he was in the hospital wing from the smell but he couldn't work out why or who was here with him.

"Draco!" said a voice and suddenly everything came back as the pain intensified tenfold. Hermione had taken his hand and pressed it to her face where he could feel the tears forming on her cheek.

"OK, everyone move back," said a voice and his eyes opened properly to see exactly who was there with him. Madame Pomfrey was the one who had spoken and next to her were his parents with tears in their eyes. Hermione was by his right hand with Harry standing behind her with his hand on her shoulder. Ron was standing back even further looking slightly awkward to be there. On the other side was Pansy with Theodore Nott, Crabbe and Goyle.

"Draco why did you do it?" asked his mother with tears running down her beautiful face. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and always would but he just couldn't get the words out. After half an hour, in which nothing had been said by Draco, Mrs Malfoy burst into loud sobs and ran out of the room. Lucius gave his son one last kiss on the cheek before leaving after he looking worried. Pansy mumbled something about having detention and the Slytherin crowd cleared off along with Ron. Harry and Hermione stood by the bed.

"Draco we actually don't want you to talk to us. We want you to listen to what we have to say and then at the end we will leave you to do what you think is right." Harry stood there waiting for Hermione to speak.

"Harry is right Draco. What we wanted to say was that we know you are doing this because you are broken over Blaise. But do you think he's going to want to love someone who hurts themselves by trying to kill themselves? Do you think he is going to magically love you back because you mope around for a while? You need to start thinking about what the issue is here and how your actions are going to resolve it."

Then they both left him lying there on the bed with Madame Pomfrey standing over him. Draco rolled over as she watched and tears ran down his face as he sobbed into his pillow. He fell asleep soon after that, exhausted by the days events, but was woken a couple of hours later. He had definitely felt someone shake his shoulders but couldn't see anyone sitting there. Then Blaise appeared as if out of no where and Draco realized he had been under Harry's invisibility cloak.

"Potter leant me this," Blaise stated as he shuffled his feet nervously from side to side. Then he walked forwards to look at Draco properly and said, "Wow, Drake you look like shit."

"That's what attempted suicide does to you," Draco said quietly. Blaise's eyes widened and he realized that no one had told him what Draco had tried to do. For a minute there was silence and then Blaise said, "Drake, why?"

"I was so upset that you hated me that my heart felt like it was broken in two. So I didn't think that there was any point in living any more and so I walked down to the lake to try and kill myself. Now everyone hates me even if they didn't before now."

"I don't hate you Drake. You broke my heart but if you truly love someone you will never be able to hate them fully," Blaise said. Then he leant down and pressed a kiss to Draco's lips before pulling back softly. "I wish we could be a couple so bad but I understand now that you can't because of your family."

"Screw them Blaise," Draco said grabbing Blaise's t-shirt and pulling him back down for a long deep kiss.

When they finally pulled away from each other, both of them were grinning shyly with their eyes locked. Then Blaise looked serious again and said, "Draco you know you don't have a second chance with me, this will be the only chance you ever get, right? If we're going to be together then it's all or nothing, you can't pick and choose with me."

"That sounds perfect," he smiled before pulling him down by the tie.

In the morning they lay curled up in each other's arms when Lucius Malfoy came storming into the ward. He at once curled up his bottom lip at the sight of his son with _that_ boy and shook them both awake. Draco's eyes widened with horror when he saw his father who just said in a cold hard voice, "Explain now."

Blaise was kind of expecting for Draco to blame Blaise for everything and leap away from him. Instead he just smirked petulantly and said, "Why should I explain myself to you?"

Then as Lucius strode from the Hospital Wing furious, Draco just pulled Blaise by his tie back down into another crushing kiss.


End file.
